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Happy Holidays

December 14, 2013 - John Stack
Yes, Happy Holidays. Not merry Christmas. Not that I care a whit about if you say Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah or Happy Saturnalia. For some reason, I have to conform to YOUR idea of what the holiday season means to ME? I love all the WWJD memes. Think about it, what would Jesus do if he was wished “Happy Holidays!”. Would he go into a screaming fit? Would he yell at you “Not Happy Holidays! Its about ME! Its about my birth! Its about making a secular nation bow to the whims of the few when it fits their purposes!”.

Back in 2005, I completed my the Ironman. I was completely beat afterwards. I had to be helped up even short steps. At home, I fell into a deep deep sleep and had a vision. Jesus Christ himself came to me in a dream, all brown eyes, olive skin and thick black hair. (I knew for sure it was him because of the halo over his head). As this was exactly half a year to Christmas, Jesus (or Haploid, as he likes to go by his middle name) told me he would tell me the real story of Christmas.

“John, Christmas, like the NSA, has many tentacles, reaching into many different areas. A big influence was the Roman festival of Saturnalia. In Rome, (my old stomping grounds) Dec 17-25 was when Romans took a week for Part-ee-ing! Masters served slaves, gambling was allowed, basically lawlessness as it was one week of the year people did not work, and most all laws were suspended. The 17th was actually for gift giving. Ironically, the worse the gift usually denoted that the receiver of the gift was a real close friend. Go figure!”

I mean, yeah, it wasn’t fun and games for everyone. The Romans would pick some unfortunate innocent and declare him to be “Lord of misrule”. They would feed him like a king and treat him to all physical pleasures possible, then ritually sacrifice him at the festival’s end. What a way to go though! Pope Constantine was a real tool. He would have Jews run through the streets naked, after being forced to eat heavily in order to make them run more comically. These were continued as part of Saturnalia in the 18th and 19th centuries, where Jewish rabbis were forced to march in clownish costumes and be pelted by the crowds for their enjoyment. Pope Gregory refused to change this, saying ““It is not opportune to make any innovation" – so I guess you cans ee where Rick Santorum takes his lead.

Christmas trees (and mistletoe), well they have a rich Druid and Pagan tradition, but even my good buddy Jeremiah said “For the customs of the people are vain: for one cuts a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not”. Later, in recognizing the Saturnalian origins of Christmas, and Christmas trees, various “Me” religions banned Christmas activities and Christmas trees.

Santa Claus, well, we did also steal that one. We sneaked ole St Nicholas ( areal db with some of his new Testament floundering) of Turkey and threw out the real gift giver (Pasqua Epiphania). Again, the Catholic church used these other groups traditions as propaganda to get them to convert. Sort of like when you go to an Ashram in the Catskills. There is some hot young guy and girl at the gate welcoming you, only to see a bunch of schmucks like yourself inside. The old bait and switch! We’re not the only ones! But I digress.

John, I never celebrated my birthday as a kid. I mean, we were so poor we didn’t even have a free bank calendar! Mom had no idea what day it was. When you live in a tool shed, you really don’t pay attention to these things. I never asked any of my disciples to celebrate my birthday. Heck, the only reason it is on the 25th (although many scholars will tell you its because of Saturnalia) is because after going a year at PS 1225 and all the other kids having birthday parties, ma felt bad and said my birthday was on December 25th to make me feel not so left out.

So, Christmas IS technically a “Me” holiday – it is promulgated by the Catholic church, but we just added a bunch of other traditions together in an attempt to control the populace under the guise of benevolent dictatorship. I would say that you must, celebrate the season as it should. Time of rebirth, the winter solstice, give friends gifts to show your friendship, and happiness with your family, where the powerful and the poor are equals. In fact, it would probably be best to say exclaim “Io Saturnalia!”


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