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Only one serious choice

October 18, 2011 - John Stack
The GOP nominating circus has been going on now for way too long (and we haven’t even had the first primary!). Come on guys. The only electable person for the GOP is Mitt Romney. He’s been the only electable candidate in the race for over a year. This doesn’t mean Mitt is a shoo-in for the GOP nod, but if it’s not him, welcome to another 4 years of Obama.

Who are the contenders? Lets see – Mitt, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Michele Bachman, Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum. There have been other tantalizing candidates – Rudy Giuliani and Chris Christie as 2 big ones. Christie, (once the tea party got over Bachmann, then Perry) has been wined and dined to enter the race. As much as he is not my cup of tea, he is more moderate and socially liberal than any candidate the GOP has, therefore has as much chance at getting the social conservative vote as I do. Heck – he appointed a MUSLIM judge this summer!

Speaking of Muslims, the GOP flavor of the month is Herman Cain. Lets put aside for a minute that the constitution says you can’t have a name Herman and be president of the US (Too much confusion with Munsters). Cain is as terrified and close minded as Peter King of NY when it comes to Muslim fear and loathing, and anything that doesn’t ‘look American’. He has offered up an economic plan that only the denizens of SimCity can employ. When recently asked about the similarities between his 9-9-9 plan and SimCity’s 9-9-9 plan, he lost it like Sammy Sosa when asked if he took steroids. Whereas Sosa proved to us he was on steroids by his ridiculous response of ‘you aren’t my father’ Cain has called those that would associate the two as LIARS. Real presidential timber there. Odds of nomination? 4-1

Newt Gingrich? Oh, you didn’t know he was still in the race? Odds? 1000-1.

Michele Bachmann still seems to believe she has a chance. She thinks she can not only win the GOP nomination, but the presidency. She lost the majority of the nutjob tea partiers and religious conservatives when Perry entered the race. What does she offer that others don’t? All of them seem to be running on ‘God’s ticket’, so she has no ‘IN’ with the religious right. Hatred of ObamaCare? It’s a ticket needed to even be considered Republican. If we wonder if our Commander in chief will be taking the word of passerbys on her way to the podium as fact (as she famously did when she claimed the HPV vaccine would cause mental retardation) I think its time to look elsewhere. Odds? 25-1.

Rick Perry? As Bachmann is still running on the platform that she won some inconsequential straw poll 6 months ago, Rick Perry still thinks he is something other than the flavor of the month. If Chris Christie had jumped in the race, Perry would have been relegated to approximately Ross Perot territory by now. As someone who isn’t even the intellectual equal of any of the other candidates, he also hasn’t grasped that people outside of Texas have to vote also. He can’t shake is unethical ties with Merck and the HPV vaccine, as well as trying to explain to any type of fiscally responsible reason for giving undocumented immigrants free Texas university tuition. Even his debating skills are so poor, we wish for Jim Carrey’s Dick Harper’s bumbling response to the press in Fun With Dick and Jane. He may fool some people into believing that his ‘economic miracle’ wasn’t based upon billions pumped into the economy from oil drilling and his cuts are paid for by the most illiterate children in America and the worst teenage pregnancy stats and newborn mortality rates in the nation. Odds? 3-1

Jon Huntsman? Ever heard of him? Odds 1000-1.

Rick Santorum. He is the most anti-gay bigoted thin skinned of the bunch. It says a lot when a real real nasty website definition pops up first that is attached to your name. As for no sense of humor, he has called Saturday Night Live ‘bullies’ for their (probably spot-on) caricature of him in a San Francisco gay bar. When you start calling SNL bullies for a spot that wasn’t even that caustic, you don’t deserve to be president. Odds 1000-1.

Ron Paul. The only one of the bunch who is actually consistent with his beliefs. Too bad he’s actually a libertarian. He would end ALL foreign aid, repeal all the major finance reform laws, let young people opt out of social security and close many Cabinet departments. Well, he would get a lot from each side, but also lose a lot from each side. His ideas are too radical, and some things not even Tea Partiers would actually think were good ideas. Odds? 15-1

Mitt Romney has just stood around, making sure he has been smooth in the debates and has made sure everyone knows he is the least crazy of all the candidates, or, technically, the only one that doesn’t seem crazy in some way. Odds on GOP nomination? 5-2


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